Can fuck you be finessed?

Finessing the fuck you was just such an eloquent phrase, if there can be an eloquent phrase that includes the word fuck you. But I felt a strong connection with that phrase. It describes me in a way that had never quite been articulated before.

Generally, I'm a really nice person. It's not very humble to say so, but a friend told me recently that I'm the most humble person she knows. Yet, in a game where people had to write sentences describing me, someone wrote, "Don't fuck with her."*

In other words, I'm a nice person,** yet somehow people get the impression not to fuck with me. I'd say that's finessing the fuck you.

That's not what my therapist meant at the time, though. She meant that I'm good at taking bad things and making them my motivation. My answer to "You can't!" is "Actually, I'll fucking scare you with how much I can." And that attitude is part of what has catapulted me through life. I've had a lot of internalized shame in my life, a lot of feeling worthless. And the fuck you is often what turns that around for me. It's the shame shield. It draws my strength and self-confidence to the surface.

Although she used finessing the fuck you in that way, the fuck you is pervasive in my life. It's an attitude, a strategy, an instinct, a personality trait. It's vulgar, yet liberating, and frequently hilarious.

And if you can't yet laugh about the fuck you, you have a few things to learn.


*If it wasn't immediately clear, this blog involves the liberal use of the word "fuck."
**I know, I know, I'm biased. But I do have people who will vouch for that. Though the opinion is surely not universal.

Background on the 'Fuck You'

I stopped seeing my therapist because, well, I was in a weird place in my life, and she was trying to help, but she pushed me a little too much. I mean, I didn't tell her she was pushing me too hard, of course. I didn't draw a boundary. But she pushed and out came the fuck you. I mean, I didn't say to her, "Fuck you." I just never went back, despite the fact that I had immense respect and affection for her. I always felt guilty because I never explained myself, I just vanished.

In the last year or so, I've gone back to see her. And it took awhile, but we finally had a conversation about why I left. And that's when we really got to talking about the fuck you.

Part of sorting out the fuck you has been talking about what works and what doesn't work for me. See, I have strategies that really work for me...but they don't always work for me, so I decided my job was to realize when they're not working and find a new strategy. And to be more grateful for the strategies that do work, when they work.

I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but she said this amazing thing to me that I will never forget as long as I live:

You finesse the fuck you in a beautiful way.

Who's therapist says that? Mine does.

And I do. Fuck you has done a whole lot of good for me. In fact, I knew I had a whole lot of fuck you, but it wasn't until recently that I realized how much. Sometimes it gets the job done, but sometimes it is just instinct.

One day my therapist said something really pointed. Well, it really hit a button and was spot-on, but got at something truly revealing about me that I don't think I really wanted to address or acknowledge. 

"Fuck you, ________," I said, smiling and shaking my head.

I paused for a moment. "You know that's a compliment, right?" I said. And it was.

Finessing the Fuck You

This blog, as the title might have indicated, will be about finessing the fuck you.

Don' t know what that means? Stick around and see.