I have had several weeks of having a lot to process and a few weeks of trying to (learn how to) rest, and now I am hopefully on the end of several days of sinu-bronchial-whatever. And while I have a lot of fuck you stories to tell (as I said, I've been processing, y'all), I've been feeling resistance to blogging...but I'm trying to get over it.
I did get my therapist to say, "Fuck you," which was hilarious and amazing and a testament to the fact that this is the best relationship I've ever had with a therapist in my entire life.
I was being bull-headed and she was trying to work her therapist mojo (logic, empathy, realism) and in response (of course) I went full-on bull-headed sass. I believe she was telling me something about how being perfect isn't attainable or a reasonable expectation I should have for myself (therapists, sheesh) and I said, "Oh, but isn't it?" And I don't remember, but it's likely that it was accompanied by some raised eyebrows, pursed lips, and neck gymnastics.
Yeah, I was in a place. It was as though I thought if I was stubborn enough, she would suddenly nod in agreement that indeed, I am a superhuman, and therefore perfection was really just a skip and a jump away. Foolishness.
Her response, a calm, "Fuck you," was beautiful and brilliant. Looking back, that's the best thing about that entire day.
First of all, it showed that there was a context in which she could challenge me in that way, use those words to interrupt my bull-headedness. It meant she could trust me to take it as it was intended and, perhaps, I could begin to acknowledge my own ridiculousness. "Fuck you" was, perhaps, the most appropriate response; whereas "Listen, I think you're being unreasonable," would have come across as condescending. I knew I was being unreasonable. "Fuck you," was just her waving that flag in the air and solidly letting me know she was rejecting the escalating ridiculousness.
Also, I derive great pleasure from using people's own words/logic/ways against them (usually in a loving, useful way), and can appreciate when someone does the same to me.
Now I can say, unequivocally, that my therapist also finesses the fuck you in a beautiful way. Here's hoping that people in your life can do the same for you when you need it.